Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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