do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
