You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
