I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
