if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
