he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
