I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
