Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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