So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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