Where are you?
In a non slutty way
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
