If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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