I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
