My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
