I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
