Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
