I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
