Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
is it fun? or sober?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
