I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
