Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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