my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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