trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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