i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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