maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
