I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
