Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
