you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You work out of a Hotel?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
