if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
