All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
