the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
