My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My dick has a subreddit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
