Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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