sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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