It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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