omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
