After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
