the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
