I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
