ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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