Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
