I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
