We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
