I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
