I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
