At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
