I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
