So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
