My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
