true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
