I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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