How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
