I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
